… who knew

March is truly madness in more ways than one. I feel like this month goes by in a rapid blur that is difficult to comprehend. I always say that December, January, and February are my worst months of the year. All my worst memories and experiences are deeply embedded in the days that lie between them. Depression seems to take great pleasure in maintaining the claim it has over those months, and it doesn’t seem to want out of its timeshare anytime soon. Just when I feel like there is nothing more I can possibly take, I start to see the light at the end of February, promising that March is right around the corner. But with that promise also comes the grim reminder that another birthday will pass without you here to celebrate it with your friends and loved ones. I never really bring it up because it carries with it so many complex emotions and layers of feelings attached to it, but as your birthday approaches, I inevitably stop and think about the way your life, and ultimately death, became such a pivotal part of my journey. I ponder where my life would be right now had you not helped me provide a home for my daughter when she was born. I contemplate where she would have ended up, or whether she would still be the same beautiful soul she has become had she stayed with me. I think of what you would say now that everyone knows the truth surrounding the situation. I contemplate what your life would have blossomed into had you not gone fishing that fateful day. I think about the family you would have created alongside the love of your life, and I sincerely hope to never have to know the pain she experienced when she lost you. I reflect on the last time I spoke to you and how I wish I could have thanked you a hundred times over, even though I know that no amount of thanks would ever truly suffice. I can vividly remember the last time you visited me in my dreams as if it were a core memory etched into my mind. You and I took Abbie out to the place we would all go mudding together, where we watched the sunset paint the sky in beautiful hues. You sat with her, getting to know her, and we exchanged glances and smiles that felt full of meaning. I haven’t seen you in my dreams since that night, and I take it as a sign that we are okay and that our story is finally coming to a close, yet I still think of you often. I hope you can hear the prayers I send your way. You are loved, you are missed dearly, and I have faith that I will see you again someday.